A Thousand Words
Public Nudity

I Did Something Stupid. Bring Tools

There are three basic kinds of funny - chronologically speaking.

1. That which was funny.
2. That which is funny right now.
3. That which will someday be funny once one is done feeling completely fucking stupid.

This story is about that last kind...

When I was living in Dallas, I had a super sweet apartment. Two bedroom, two bath, living room, dining room, huge kitchen (as if I cook), three walk in closets, and a mammoth balcony that was eight feet wide and stretched the length of the apartment. Yowza!

The rental agreement included an annual free carpet cleaning.

The day mine were to be cleaned, I cleared everything I could from the carpets, stacking things in the tiled kitchen, or on the balcony. And then, I thought: "hey, my sheets need to be washed anyway... why don't I pack up the bed too, so they could get the entire bedroom carpet."

I tossed the sheets and comforter in the dirty wash, and proceeded to push the mattress and box-spring into the master bathroom.

The bathroom was small and square, so the box spring had to be pushed in and then pivoted to leave (just barely) enough room to maneuver the door around it. I leaned the box-spring against the sink as I left to fetch the mattress.

Mattresses are more floppy in nature - which became apparent as I slid mine across the floor and into the bathroom. I pivoted it to line up with the box-spring against the sink. Wiggle wiggle, bend, flop. I then turned around and began to exit the bathroom, when suddenly, I heard something.



I spun around to see where the sound was coming from, and... WHAM!!!! ...the mattress fell over, catching the bathroom door as it went. And with a mighty Fweeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!!, the door smashed shut in my face, missing my nose by less than an inch.


I reach for the doorknob. It won't turn. The mattress must have pushed in the little door-lock-button as it slid to the floor, not that it even mattered. Even if the door hadn't locked, the fallen mattress was blocking it from opening.


[dialing phone]
"...hey, it's me... you busy?"
"Look, I did something stupid... bring tools."
"No, it's not funny..."
"Yeah, it probably will be - but not yet..."